Autism Talk: Forgiving yourself

I would like to begin this journal by explaining why I started writing one. At first it was to help me with the process of accepting that which I can not change. Adam's condition is by no means a death sentence, but for a first time mom with starry-eyed dreams for your firstborn son, it's not an easy pill to swallow. When you feel that first kick in your womb, your mind weaves out-of-this-world dreams in hyperspeed about your little peanut. You don't think about years of occupational therapy and speech therapy. When you look down at your rotund belly and think about the life forming inside you, you are seeing his future in doe-eyed, estrogen-filled glasses, and all you drink in is a picture of your baby dripping in awesomesauce. My kid is not awesome. He is beyond awesome. He is dope. But rewinding to a few years ago, when we first found out about the news, you understand that it's not the end of the world, but you also don't burst in triumphant song or  fistbump your husband on your way out the doctor's clinic. It's a relief to finally have a diagnosis that explains why your child is different, but it is overwhelming to imagine that my parenting reality will now be so much more difficult. I understand that being a parent is not a walk in the park. I anticipated the sleepless nights, the pulling-your-hairs-out frustration, the boatloads of heartbreak, sweat, and tears that come with being a parent. Here I was, a first-time-mom, who read all the books and did everything right, and now I am being told to put down my rainbow-colored kaleidoscope glasses and steel myself because the world just got much crueler for my son.  My parenting reality will never reconcile with my estrogen-filled daydreams.

Day-to-day living is a production number in this household. It is not easy having two children, let alone having one who is in the autism spectrum. But you do your best. You cut down time on less important stuff to make room for your child's special needs. Some days I get to wear my pajamas until dinner time. And there are days when the laundry pile takes over the whole house. Most days you feel like you want to do so much more. There are things you wish you could've done better, but unfortunately there are no undo buttons in life.

Being a parent of an autistic child is a constant test of patience. I wish I could say I never run out of patience, that I always stay rational, logical, and calm in all circumstances. But I do have moments when I blow up. Moments when I come close to losing faith that I can seriously pull of this momma role.

A few days ago, I just broke. Completely. Shamelessly. I hadn't slept for days because the little riceball had pneumonia. I have been fighting a losing battle with a batallion of ants who are literally taking over the house. And days before that, we have just been delivered more disappointing news about my son's progress in therapy. I was beginning to have doubts if we made the right call when we chose to put him in a regular school. Nothing seems to be going in my favor. I was miserable, tired, crabby. I'm sure every parent gets that way  once in a while. However, I could never justify my ugly outburst with whatever reason that led me to that point. I could never justify screaming my lungs off to a pint-sized boy who barely understands what he did wrong in the first place. But I did. I did. And even while I was doing it, my mind was already whirring a bazillion reasons why what I'm doing is wrong. But I was so caught up in my own emotions, it was easy to brush all those thoughts aside. And when I was done yapping, I felt terrible. I thought letting it all out would help me, but it just made me feel so much worse when I was done. He was looking at me uneasily, with an already-halfway-there smile, groping for any telltale sign that might tell him if it's already okay to crack one. He didn't know. He didn't know. He wasn't even bearing a grudge, even if the noise barrage I did scared him  to tears. Now that the yelling stopped, he stopped feeling bad as well. I wish I could say the same for me. I was wrecked with guilt. I didn't lift a finger on him, but I just blew my head off. I should've known better. I knew better. I did. I just couldn't keep pushing it in and expect every hair to fall in place.

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I wish I could master not losing my temper, that on every occasion that I discipline him, I will always have a level head. But there is no way I can guarantee that. Being a parent to a special child is not easy. There are truckloads more of heartbreaks. There are lots more opportunities for self-doubt, especially when you think you are doing everything you can to help your child and yet 9 times out of 10 you feel that you're not doing it right, or you could have handled things better. I am a parent, and I am far from perfect. The best I can do is forgive myself and give myself a fresh start the next day. I am by no means saying that it is perfectly all right to lose your temper in front of your child. With or without special needs, it is never a good idea. All I'm saying is, one blowout doesn't make one a bad parent. I sure hope it doesn't. In the end, all I wish for is that the good days I've had with him will trump out those times when I am less than perfect.

My week on instagram

I have so much in my mind right now I haven't had time to put things down in writing. Trick or Treat is (sadly) over, although I think I can still squeeze out one more halloween post before I put this whole thing to rest. Right now my lungs seriously hate me. The weather plus exhaustion has gotten the best of me. I usually have one bad case of asthma every year, and I'm crossing my fingers that this is it for me because I seriously don't want to get sick anymore. Cough! Cough!

This end of year crunch is a pretty busy year for events coordinators, and I am now feeling the burn. I wish I get better soon so I can be useful. I've been crocheting like a crazy cat lady. My fingers hurt, thedumplingdaddy looked at it and said I should give my crochet hooks a rest if I want to feel better. hehe. But I can't help it. I have a lot of stocking up to do in my shop, especially now that in a few weeks I will be participating in a bazaar (my first ever). 

I might be sitting my arse off all week, but I sure was a busy instagrammer! Here is a look at the life of this littledumplingmomma. Follow me on instagram, @goldego

Stocking up on toy satchels and nursing covers. The toy satchels are filled with therapy toys (nuts and bolts, lacing/beading toys). I've run out of supplies that I need another divi run before this week ends!

Under the covers, sucking faces with this guy! Ugh! Not my idea of  a morning cuddle. Sucks to start the week sick, and on thelittledumpling's sembreak pa!

Tuesday morning we still went to thedumplingdaddy's workplace to go Trick or Treating. No amount of coughing and hacking will stop me from coming to this party. I seriously love thelittlericeball's face under her lobster cap. hehe! They won first place and received lots of goodies! 

Another sewing project! I can't find a nice FREE golf hat pattern on the web, so i cut out one of my boy's hats so I can figure out how to make them. teehee!

On All Souls' Day we lit candles and offered flowers for my brother. It's hard to get through that day without being nostalgic. I started this painting soon after he passed away, never finished it. Never really painted again since, and I thought this got thrown out already. Can't help but marvel at the time that has passed. Sometimes I still can't believe he's gone.

These days thelittledumpling is extra sweet on his little sister. I'm so happy to finally see sibling love blossoming between the two. I am grateful. Extremely grateful. 

Another sibling shot! Taken before heading to the cemetery to visit my brother, again.

Another sibling shot. Last one for this week, promise. This was early morning, the riceball was poking her brother's eyes, pulling his hair. That woke my dumpling up. He still had a smile on his face despite being woken up in such a brash manner. Adorable. 

Bobbypinwheels! Corny name for a new product. I still haven't decided on what to call them. My riceball won't crack a smile. Maybe it's too pink for her taste.

Peace, love, and bobbypinwheels:

Golde 

Halloween Post... again!

Yesterday we all went to the dumplingdaddy's workplace for their Trick or Treat Party. This will be Adam's fourth time joining the party. So far he's been a cowboy, a (lame) vampire, and a surgeon (photos here).

Last year, we dressed him up as an Iphone.

We won first place for that costume. It was a fun project to make. What made it fun is that 90% of the work for this costume was done by my husband, hehehe. Who knew he could be crafty, huh? Adam also had a lot of fun. During this time he was soooo addicted to his dad's iphone so he was pretty game in putting his costume on.

Thelittledumpling also came in as The Cat in the Hat last year, for his school's Trick or Treat Party.

This time the costume was made by me. I didn't have a sewing machine back then, so I just DIY'd the hat using some paper felt, cartolina, and lots of glue. The oversized bowtie is made of felt and is worn around the neck with a little elastic strap. As you can see, we used the same black top and bottom for both costumes. That's value for your money. hehehe.

This year will be the first time that we're going to the Trick or Treat party with two kids in tow. This is also my first Halloween with Simang (who by the way, is churning up pretty snazzy products these days I will soon christen her metamorphosis to "Samantha"). I wanted matching outfits. I knew I don't want them to come out as the usual princess/prince combo. All my thoughts always come back to this picture I saw last year, during my last trimester with the little riceball...

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So I went with it. Thelittledumpling already had a chef costume from his culinary class in school. All that needed to be done is to make the lobster outfit. So I made this.

Sometimes it still amazes me how cute and how tiny baby clothes are. All this I made from 1 yard of knit fabric! The tights and top can still be worn as separates long after Trick or Treat is done. I didn't want to slave over making these clothes and just make her wear it one time!

Adam went with this costume

Top and bottom from his culinary class uniform. Chef hat made by me.

Together, thelittledumpling and his littlericeball sidekick won first place (again). Woot!

Now, what costume would they be wearing next year?

My week on Instagram

 A little look at the life of this littledumplingmomma. Follow me on instagram @goldego

Dressmaking 101. haha! I am feeling pretty confident with my sewing skills now. I made this sweatshirt from knit red fabric using this tutorial from Shwin&Shwin as a guide and my rad "winging it" dressmaking skills. haha! This is the little riceball's top for next week's trick or treat. And I didn't go with the neutral buttons. Although I'm regretting it now.

Trick or Treat! This was taken before the schoolbus picked us up for the Trick or Treat Party in thelittledumpling's school.

 I was lucky to have some grownup girl bonding time on Tuesday afternoon. Met up with friends and a client. Party planning and art attack mode is totally on. This party will be Disney's "Up"-themed 18th birthday. I can't wait to sink my teeth into this party.

Trying on thelittlericeball's costume. This is also a part of the red sweatshirt I made earlier in the week. I guess now everybody knows what she'll be on Halloween!

 Best birthday gift ever! My little dumpling counting (and writing) from 100 to 1. Seriously? The boxes are too small for him to write the numbers down but he does his best even without the blue-red-blue lines. This little guy amazes me. It's like his penmanship can't keep up with his rad counting skills. So cute!

Gratitude Post

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I am not particularly comfortable about this particular day of the year.
If you're asking what today is,
It's my birthday.
Whoop!
For years I have been traipsing around
this particular day of the year.
Never really liked birthday presents
or parties,
or greetings for that matter.
For years I have been like that.
I would say it's been 11 years if I have been keeping count.
And, yeah, I kinda am.
Best friend confession..
I lost my brother 5 days after today 11 years ago.
It was supposed to be a big birthday party
during this particular day of the year 11 years ago,
with the band, the tiered cake, the princess gown,
a "man-in-waiting" (cheesy, I know)
18 candles and 18 roses,
all that jazz.
And then he got sick,
And he never got better.
And I just  couldn't go by this particular day
without crying,
without missing him,
without grieving.
And so today,
being today is that particular day of the year,
I am sad..
I am missing him.
I am grieving.
The tears are here, brewing behind these eyes.
But my heart, my spirit is happy.
I have a husband who spent last night scouring the internet for recipes
so he can cook something nice for me.
I have a son who greeted me and danced for me
and he kissed me and hugged me,
and he stringed three words together on this particular day of the year
"Happy Birthday Mommy."
For my little one word wonder,
three words is a feat.
It is a rarity.
That is a cause for celebration on its own!
He also counted backwards from 100 to 1.
Are you kidding me?
Finally.
Finally, for the first time in a long time,
I am happy. On my birthday.
I am sad. But I don't feel guilty that I am happy as well.
Does that make sense?
There are days in this earth when you feel like
nothing makes sense.
Everythings a big ball of b.s.
Fate has pummeled you to a pulp
that there's no way you can come back up.
And then the storm passes
and you see clearly.
You see the bigger picture.
You understand why this happened.
And you begin to find peace.
I am happy. On my birthday.
I am sad, too.
I will always miss him.
Always.
But I am happy too.
And more than anything,
I am grateful.

Trick or Treat

 Since being a mom, Halloween is slowly becoming one of my favorite holidays. I am enjoying this part where my kids are not old enough to tell me what costumes they want, hahaha! This week, the littledumpling and his littlericeball sidekick went trick or treating as the wildlife expert and his zebra.




This is the Alpha's first halloween. It is also the first time we made coordinating costumes. The pink zebra suit was a gifted by my brother. I dressed Adam in khakis and made him a vest so he could be the wildlife expert. I used toilet paper rolls to make his binoculars.

I found it funny that Alpha got scared of this puppy? sheep more than the ghostly black lady!

 Everything was going smoothly. He was game on walking,

accepted his treats,

 he even smiled for pictures! No meltdowns? Are you kidding me? 

I was ready for my happy dance, when at the last stop, we were greeted by 

THIS

 A pool in sight and he's not allowed to swim? I was waiting for a grand tantrum, waiting for other parents to roll their eyes and sweep their kiddos away from me like the plague.

I can see the beginnings of his meltdown simmering in his face. Here's a picture (Yeah, I did take a picture first before doing anything about it. Mom of the Year material I am not), 

 And that was the end of it. It just simmered and then it was gone. Guess my little man's growing up. Guess I got lucky. Whatever it is, I am glad. 

Happy Trick or Treating!

Adam's Despicable Birthday Party

Adam celebrated his 5th birthday barely 2 weeks after Alpha's Lemonade Party. We weren't planning on throwing a party for him. All we had in mind was a simple dinner with family. But that got chucked out the window pretty fast. With Adam being Adam, we don't get a lot of party invitations or play dates. He's a really sweet guy, and deep down he is like any other boy who likes boy stuff, like blowing birthday cakes, pinatas, and some spaghetti and ice cream. Parties are usually tricky to pull off, since he might end up being overstimulated and not enjoy it at all. So we decided on a small party in school, pretty low key, and we built the theme around something he really really likes.  The little dumpling loves the banana song, he sings it to himself all the time, and would sometimes ask me to mock-punch him during the final BANANAAAA part so he could throw himself over a pile of pillows. There even was a time when he sang the banana song in his sleep. So I locked down on a Minion-themed party. (Okay, he likes dinosaurs too, and numbers, but I was looking forward to dressing my kiddos down as Gru and Agnes, so we, and by "we" I mean "I" decided on a minion party).

Minion Hats

Cookie robots

  These aren't cookie robots like the ones I saw here but they'll do!

Minion Tools

 This is probably the only thing I bought (other than the food) for the party. They are actually pencils with erasers shaped like carpentry tools. I bought them from Divisoria for 100php/dozen. Not bad at all.

Gru

Agnes

Gru's scarf and Agnes' tutu were the only two things I made. The rest of their outfit were already in their closets. Please ignore the loose strands of thread. I did say I only had 10 days to prepare, right? :D

Minion Cake

I don't bake! So I bought this cake, really cheapo. Another benefit of sidelining as a party coordinator. This was a hit! The little dumpling didn't let anyone touch the cake for 2 days! All he'd let us have is the blue icing around the edges. I guess he liked it, huh!

Minion Pinata

This is a really bad Iphone pic taken during nighttime. I followed this tutorial. It's not as pretty, but it'll do!

There were a lot of grinning, happy minions.

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Gru ate his food all on his own. No help. No leftovers. No flailing arms and sprints around the room in between bites. He just ate like a real boy. :D

 We suck at family pictures. 

We sang birthday songs...

 ... gave presents...

 

 .. took more pictures

... and ate some more! The party was a success! What I love about this party is that I didn't have to clean up afterwards! Yipee! The kids were a riot. Adam was happy. It's one of those rare days when we just felt like we kicked Autism's butt. Everybody couldn't help smiling. Seriously, those kids are really really sweet. They are the best. I love how they couldn't care less if Adam is different. No eye-rolling, no pitiful glances, Not even the look of contained aversion. I am glad that my dumpling is surrounded by these little bright lights.

Thank you for coming to my Despicable Birthday Party!