Gratitude Post

image source

I am not particularly comfortable about this particular day of the year.
If you're asking what today is,
It's my birthday.
Whoop!
For years I have been traipsing around
this particular day of the year.
Never really liked birthday presents
or parties,
or greetings for that matter.
For years I have been like that.
I would say it's been 11 years if I have been keeping count.
And, yeah, I kinda am.
Best friend confession..
I lost my brother 5 days after today 11 years ago.
It was supposed to be a big birthday party
during this particular day of the year 11 years ago,
with the band, the tiered cake, the princess gown,
a "man-in-waiting" (cheesy, I know)
18 candles and 18 roses,
all that jazz.
And then he got sick,
And he never got better.
And I just  couldn't go by this particular day
without crying,
without missing him,
without grieving.
And so today,
being today is that particular day of the year,
I am sad..
I am missing him.
I am grieving.
The tears are here, brewing behind these eyes.
But my heart, my spirit is happy.
I have a husband who spent last night scouring the internet for recipes
so he can cook something nice for me.
I have a son who greeted me and danced for me
and he kissed me and hugged me,
and he stringed three words together on this particular day of the year
"Happy Birthday Mommy."
For my little one word wonder,
three words is a feat.
It is a rarity.
That is a cause for celebration on its own!
He also counted backwards from 100 to 1.
Are you kidding me?
Finally.
Finally, for the first time in a long time,
I am happy. On my birthday.
I am sad. But I don't feel guilty that I am happy as well.
Does that make sense?
There are days in this earth when you feel like
nothing makes sense.
Everythings a big ball of b.s.
Fate has pummeled you to a pulp
that there's no way you can come back up.
And then the storm passes
and you see clearly.
You see the bigger picture.
You understand why this happened.
And you begin to find peace.
I am happy. On my birthday.
I am sad, too.
I will always miss him.
Always.
But I am happy too.
And more than anything,
I am grateful.